{"version":"1.0","provider_name":"The Onion","provider_url":"https:\/\/theonion.com","author_name":"The Onion Staff","author_url":"https:\/\/theonion.com\/author\/theonionstaff\/","title":"\u2018Those Have To Be First-Time Parents,\u2019 Onlooker Says Of Couple Trying To Screw Infant Into Light Bulb Socket","type":"rich","width":600,"height":338,"html":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"lcPQ0m9SZ5\"><a href=\"https:\/\/theonion.com\/those-have-to-be-first-time-parents-onlooker-says-of-1838070522\/\">\u2018Those Have To Be First-Time Parents,\u2019 Onlooker Says Of Couple Trying To Screw Infant Into Light Bulb Socket<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/theonion.com\/those-have-to-be-first-time-parents-onlooker-says-of-1838070522\/embed\/#?secret=lcPQ0m9SZ5\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\" title=\"&#8220;\u2018Those Have To Be First-Time Parents,\u2019 Onlooker Says Of Couple Trying To Screw Infant Into Light Bulb Socket&#8221; &#8212; The Onion\" data-secret=\"lcPQ0m9SZ5\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/theonion.com\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n","thumbnail_url":"https:\/\/theonion.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/09\/ba6onav6ydrt04jia0zr.jpg","thumbnail_width":2000,"thumbnail_height":1125,"description":"YARMOUTH, MA\u2014Shaking their heads in dismay at the clueless couple\u2019s child-rearing difficulties, onlookers speculated Thursday that a husband and wife trying to screw their infant son into a light bulb socket must be first-time parents. \u201cBoy, I know there\u2019s a learning curve for raising a kid, but it doesn\u2019t make it any easier to see first-time parents struggling with the basics like this,\u201d said onlooker Jeffrey Garrett, cringing as he watched the wide-eyed, panicking husband strain to push his newborn\u2019s head into the open socket before waving away his wife\u2019s suggestion that they just try plugging the girl into a wall outlet. \u201cI don\u2019t want to be the jerk that goes over there and tells them they\u2019re doing it all wrong, but man, oh man, this is just such a classic mistake. I knew from the second I walked up and saw them swaddling that little guy in an electrical cord that they were way out of their depths.\u201d At press time, onlookers were nodding in approval after the parents had learned from their mistakes and soothed the squirming infant by giving her a spark plug to suckle."}